To remain in the moment is one of the hardest things I have a problem with,as do many others. I have always been told that the past makes you who you are, but the more I think about things I am thinking it does not. You do get programmed by events and people. That does not however make me who I am. I struggle with how am I suppose to make good out of all the bad that is in my past. How do I not get so overly obsessed with trying to make the future different that I lose sight of what I am really trying to do which is just be. Simply just be. I cannot just be if I am in the past nor can I just be if I am obsessing about the future.
Both of which I am guilty of pessimistically looking at. I try so hard to understand things that have happened and I want closure and I feel I need closure, but I am thinking that maybe I will never get that and I have to somehow come to terms with the fact some things I will never understand. My over-analyzing has caused damage to my present moment one too many times. I was trying to take care of everything and everyone and doing so without taking in account the toll it took on me as well while I was trying to help myself too. Worry worry worry. That was what I thought about the future. Most of the time, my worry was about someone else or things I know for a fact I have no control over. Some people close to me have said to me they were surprised I held it together as well as I have and for as long as I have. Which is nice to hear considering just how far off the path I had gotten in the last few months. There are people who still believe in me and dang it I believe in me too.
I have been away for about 12 days. I have been attempting to try and stay in the moment. Minus the girlfriend and I have our little moments of thinking about things that shouldn’t be talked yet, but hey I suppose that is living in the moment too. Sure let’s look at wedding rings and tell each other our favorite stones and rings sizes. HA! It’s fun. When she is at work, I have been reading or working on trying to feed myself and get on some kind of routine. Which speaking of routine, I have came to the conclusion, that while I like structure, it also confines me. I am not a fan of being confined. The other conclusion I came to is that while I don’t like being confined, I am still not sure what to do with freedom either. Interesting isn’t it?
So some days, I have just caught myself playing dress up with the girlfriend’s pretty dresses and well I must say I am kind of liking the girly me right now. I would like to kick all who told me I wasn’t pretty in the face a couple dozen times. That takes me back to the freedom part but also practicing radical self-acceptance. I like the thought of being able to just shed those layers of things that were not of myself but just ideas and beliefs given by another to me. I have talked about this all before of who am I? What are actually my thoughts, but now not only thoughts but beliefs. What do I actually know for myself to be true? The answer that I just recently came to know is, I don’t know crap. I am good at repeating information that I have been taught.
That leads me to the question of how do I get to know myself. Some people seem to think I know myself, and I know clinical information and wording. I know how to identify feelings and emotions sometimes. Some days I can’t even do that. It is like I need that little piece of paper with the different emotion faces on it. I want to know more of what I like to do and what I am capable of. I say I don’t know crap, but I do know a few things. I know how to survive, I know how to love and give, I know how to fight when my is back against a wall. The biggest fights I have ever had have been with myself. It is still going on. I know some things, but I know that things go much deeper than that.
The thing I want to know before my life is up, the number one thing I want to know,feel and embrace is peace. I feel that for me, that is a spiritual journey that leads to peace and that going from no where to Now where is the key. I have to be grateful for every breath that I breathe. Even the cold Minnesota freeze your uvula to the back of your throat breath.. I will try and be grateful. If my dreams become nightmares, I will be grateful my brain is trying to deal with things. If I lose friends or family, I will be grateful for the part they had in my life. My heart is still heavy with a few things, but if I can just take time everyday to notice what is already around me, try and learn something new, or just count the smiles that people give as you pass by and make a point to smile back.
I really feel I am on to something for myself. I wish to share it and I will. I am just happy I made it to today. I barely remember much from the last couple months which is very out of the ordinary for me, but I know that it lead me to now. So, I will focus on that. I do feel very guilty that I have caused unintended harm, but we all do it. I have to forgive myself some more. I am going to go enjoy the deceivingly bright sun that is out in the freezing weather. I hope you all have a blessed day, and I shall have more to come. I will leave you with a song that you can interpret the meaning for yourself.
The Bursting Wallflower 