Something to think about….

Yesterday at treatment, a couple of us where talking about how we don’t know what to think about when things aren’t depressing. Jokingly we kept saying what do normal people think about everyday. I have always wondered anyways what other people were thinking about and feeling. For myself, I am not sure what to think about. I still have worries like money, mundane tasks, and still worry about a friend and I wonder a lot about all the rest of my friends. The task after those things is to find something productive to think about. I already think about mental health stuff everyday and that gets to be exhausting. I do like to study different aspects of my spiritual path, but what else should I be thinking about?

We have been told to try and stay in the present in group. I have been working hard to not think about the past nor too far in the future. I need a hobby. I do like to do art and art is my form of prayer and intentions I send out into the world. I need more to do. I am happy that my mind isn’t full of painful things right now. I am happy that I don’t have to struggle to hard to make it through a day. I am happy that the majority of my tears, are tears of gratitude. I am going to commit to remaining in this state of mind. I am going to allow myself to think about the random things, like yoga, nature, love, friendships, and witchy things. I am going to let myself only fret over silly things like what’s for dinner and someone please clean the apartment. :p

I am not one to say I deserve much of anything at all, but damnit, I deserve good thoughts and feelings. I deserve this break whether it lasts for a long time or a short time. I earned this. Perhaps, if I would just treat myself this way all the time then maybe the sad days won’t be so hard. I am tired of the sadness, I am tired of being tired and I am tired of my mistakes and others insensitivity controlling my life. I just need to give myself the same amount of compassion and kindness I give everyone else. The future is less scary right now. I still think about if I want to participate in the thing called future, but as of right now it is looking much brighter. Maybe I am finally breaking through.  It’s something to think about anyways. 😉

❤ CSK

 

Simply being

I have for the longest time felt so very lonely, and it is not until recently that I realized that if we look deeper in ourselves that while yes we will feel alone at times, we are never truly alone. I have been on this quest to find meaning or to make meaning of this life. This morning in an e-mail with my former roommate, we were talking about how we don’t think there is a meaning to life but at the same time there is that part of conditioning maybe that makes us search for it. It made me realize just how much time is spent searching for things that if we could just take a moment and just simply be, maybe simply being is the meaning.

I have struggled with the concept of something higher than me, but I know that there is. I know my personal beliefs entail a balance of feminine and masculine energy, but at the same time I feel a oneness. The forever conflict within myself to want to identify a particular entity is starting to die a bit. The more I venture out in the world, the more I see how everything is just connected. Some energies play well with others while some energies do not, but even then I feel connected. Even with how I conduct myself around others has changed. I am making a effort to put out positivity and love. I am trying to see life through my heart. When I am able to do that, the perspective changes to a more gentle and compassionate view.

I met a lady who was talking about how giving fills her cup. That is how I feel when I shift my perspective. My cup gets filled and then I am able to keep giving. However, when my cup goes empty, when there is the darkness that prevents me from filling my cup, I am starting to see how going inward and realizing that this great big universe is inside me. All I need is inside of me and is inside of everyone else. The creator or whatever you prefer to call it is inside of you and all around. Finding that has be very comforting to me. I can’t say I don’t get mad still about things. I find some situations unfair and it makes my faith a little shaky. I catch myself trying to or wishing I could fix something that only the creator can. It humbles me to realize that. It humbles me to know that sometimes things are meant to happen even the worse death. It still breaks my heart and I still get angry. At the same time, I bet it is beautiful whatever is on that other side. That is just one example I think of amongst other things that are unsettling to my soul.

I guess on this quest to developing to my highest potential, I have found the most valuable thing I could think of. I found a well of love,kindness,forgiveness, compassion and just overall beautiful energy. The most beautiful thing about that is, the well is inside of me. It is inside of you and everyone else. Personally, I can only vow to go into the well when I hit my lows and if someone else needs a refill I will give it. Maybe that is all we ever need is a refill sometimes. Love you guys! Big hugs! Below I am attaching a song, it is an instrumental that for me anyways breaks through and opens me up. It’s kind of long. Can’t remember if I have shared it before. Have a great day! XO

❤ CSK

 

I’m not sorry..

I am not sorry for the things I have done to get to where I am now. The only thing I am sorry for is if I unintentionally hurt anyone in the process. That I am sorry for. However, I have always apologized over and over for things I should never have been sorry for. I am not sorry for finally opening up about things and I am not sorry for the hell it caused. The hell it put me through is what has catapulted me into trying to better myself. I am not sorry for being honest and I am not sorry for even the stupid things I did in an effort to numb myself and or get answers. Everything I do/did, I did it for a reason. I am searching for me. I have denied the person inside of me, because  of not only my own insecurities, but because of the damage others did in their own insecurities and fear. The hurt and the pain has muffled me too long.

In just the last couple months, I have started coming out of my shell. A shell that I thought was empty and broken, but that is not the case at all. I want to be mad at myself for putting all my worth into other people, but in doing that I learned that people are not the source of happiness or the only source for validation. I can admit that I had latched on to anyone who would be nice to me. I had been so lonely for so long. I am not sorry for latching on. It kept me alive and gave me strength when I didn’t think I had any and when it fell apart, it forced me to look at myself. It forced me to see that I could in fact stand on my own feet and that I am responsible for my own path and only my path. Life isn’t a journey with just rainbows and cupcakes. It has ripped me apart over and over again trying to find answers. Did I find any answers? Nope! I am learning that there are times when there are no answers. I will never have answers nor will I be able to comprehend every little thing.

Therefore, I am done searching for those answers and I have said this before, but this time it really is different for me. I am more interested in the fascinating person that I am. I am more interested in fostering the good that is in me rather than beating myself up over everything. I am more interested in helping and being of service with no expectations. I am stressed beyond belief right now, but there is still a hope that won’t quit. I am working as hard as I can to heal. I have been sober for over a month now. I am going to my day treatment 3 days a week and am willing to do another one once that one is done. I have found a therapist. I have a diagnostic today actually which are never easy for me, but it is what I have to do. I am going to go to the mindfulness group that starts in June. I am looking for to that. I am trying to find a place to go meditate in a group setting. I have discovered I actually function better in a group. Considering how much social anxiety I use to get, that just tickles me to death. I plan on joining the gym here once the treatment in the cities is over. I am even taking my meds. I share all this because you read blogs and stories where most of the time you don’t see what the person has had to do to try and get better.

I am not the one to give you a quick solution nor will I ever be the one to tell you it is going to be easy, because it is not easy. Life has broken me down so many times and some days it still does. I try to tell myself that I am evolving. I am evolving into the person I feel is inside me. I am following my values and setting boundaries with myself and others. I am way more aware of energy as well, but that is a totally different post all on its own that I will probably get to writing about. I guess what I am getting at is listen to your inner self and really listen. What is it saying? It could be simple as in you feel like coloring or being creative. Make time for that. Love yourself and care for yourself. You are the only person who knows what you want and need, but you have to listen. Don’t be sorry for doing things to help yourself. Don’t be sorry no matter what anyone else tells you. Express yourself. The world is already full of people with walls a million miles high. As some one always said to me be good to you!

Have a good day! Love you all! Thanks for reading!

❤ CSK

 

Where’s the brakes on this thing…. oh what a dream can tell you

Occasionally, I have some really significant dreams. Dreams where I wake up and know exactly what it was telling me. Anyways, so in my dream I was trying to park this big giant suv and it was all going smoothly until I tried to find the brakes and for some reason I could barely reach the pedals and when I tried to hit the brakes I hit the gas and it turned out there where no brakes and they were all gas pedals. So, here I am like freaking out and I kept telling myself okay you just need to get it to slow down just cruise around until it slows down and stops. My brain kept saying but you need to park it. Here I am recklessly driving around this parking a lot at high speeds trying to slow it down but being determined to park the damn thing. At one point, I almost drove over an edge where I would have fallen into the ocean. Finally, it stopped. However, I was unable to park it. I had to get out and leave it. I told myself okay just leave it there and you can figure it out later just calm down and take a break.

So, I ended up in this apartment on a balcony. As I was standing there, I witnessed this old school beetle car approaching a parking spot that had a edge with no railing. They drove right off of it into what I thought was going to be a grassy field, but it swallowed the car. I was like omg I should call for help.. and then the guy comes floating to the top and climbs out of this hole and starts just yelling about how he drives into this whole all the time and why doesn’t he learn to slow down. Guy just keeps screaming and cursing at this hole and himself. Then the mailman buzzed and woke me up. I sat up saying holy shit. I am pretty sure at this point you can see what this dream meant, but for me I have been trying so hard to fix everything. I have been going too fast and focusing too hard on the end result that I forget that I can step back and that I can come back to it, but also that I don’t always have to go full speed, but I can go slowly and cruise and not have to stop progress.

I have been dealing with some depression lately.  A lot has to do with hormonal things making already emotional things worse, but it has been a rough week. Next week is my dad’s anniversary of his death. This time last year, I spiraled into a very dark place. I think the significance of the hole being swallowed up and the guy being so angry is of me spiraling into the depression over and over again and having to climb out of the hole. That maybe if I would just slow down sometimes that I wouldn’t drive myself off the edge. This week has been complete and utter hell for me. In group yesterday, I pretty much lost it and ended up just leaving the room. I am overwhelmed. I am doing too much and things have changed so much in such a short period of time. I am trying to fit everything together, but I can’t do that. I know that. I see this mountain of a task.. the task being me.. that I need to heal everything and do it perfectly. Healing is not perfect. Healing is a mess, but it is worth it.

After I walked out of the room yesterday, I went and asked another leader if I could go into the sensory room. I didn’t expect her to sit down and talk to me, but she did anyways. She was just saying that all these intakes and starting over again and again usually makes things worse at first. I just cried and cried, because just everything was just too much. I was worried about the past and wondering if I would get over my childhood, I was worried about the future in that I was so tired of the pain and wondered if I would actually ever get over it. I was worried that I wasn’t being a good person in the present because of all the stuff from the past and future worries. I have been thinking about death because of my dad’s anniversary and knowing that my friend that I have yet to get closure with is running out of time and I can’t do a damn thing to stop it and it is unfair. Then, I would just get so pissed at everything that I wanted to die. I am trying to finish this program and get all these other resources set up that whatever time that I have left that isn’t processing time, I am just exhausted.

So, I am going to take a freaking break. I am going to slow down and have fun. I need fun. When you are working on yourself, you forget you need fun sometimes. Things will get there. They are getting there. Even other people are noticing that they are getting there. I just need to step back and live a little, before I am that guy again driving myself off the cliff once more. Control the things that I can control and stop focusing on the things I cannot do a thing about. Maybe some day, I won’t need a half way mental breakdown before I realize that it is okay to take a break. Breathe a little. Love a lot. Give this life all you’ve got.

❤ csk

Help a old friend of mine please? Cancer sucks!

I have an old friend who I don’t speak to anymore, but I still love and care about her very deeply. A mutual friend told me that she had set up this fundraiser page and announced to everyone what was going on. She is someone who I will always admire no matter what happened. She worked hard and went to school and even is finishing school this month despite being told she only has till May to live. I would like to believe as feisty as I remember her that she will live longer. I can only hope and keep praying every night like I have been, that will be the case.

I think about her often. I think about how much of an impact she made in my life. I miss her all the time. All of this self-improvement and changes started with her lifting me out of the darkness I had lived in for 10 years. I struggled and still struggle a lot trying to process everything I have been through, and I opened myself up to her and it started a journey that has been gloriously wonderful while simultaneously being completely heart breaking. I look up to her because she showed me to go after what you want, but just watching her for the time I got to, I see that its isn’t going to be easy and that you might have to work hard even to the point of exhaustion to go after your dreams. There is so much more I could say about her, but I don’t think any words could really capture the real picture.

For me when I think about her.. it is like the first sunflower that came up after a long winter, a burst of fresh air across your cheeks, or the little hope that you get when its just you and and the sunrise in the morning. To me that is who she truly is and that is what I will choose to remember.

She gave a lot of energy to me, constantly pulling me up from my depression and I will forever be grateful for the time she spent on me. One day whether it be on this planet or in the after life I hope she will be able to see that all that she did was worth it and that I did listen and that she made all the difference. She saved my life in more ways than one, and I need to remember that more often.

I didn’t always know what to do with my feelings for her, but I know now if asked for one wish in this entire world it would be for her to be okay and just one more conversation with my friend.  Please share or donate anything that you can to help her family out when she goes. She deserves it, she truly does. Help her family out! Thanks! link posted below.

http://www.youcaring.com/memorial-fundraiser/help-my-sister-after-i-die/333164#

So much good..

Things are constantly changing as of late. I find myself having moments of intense motivation then crippled by the pressure of it all. However, I keep going and the more I keep going the stronger I am feeling inside myself. Just knowing I finally have control over the majority of what happens is very comforting to me. I have turned a corner that I have been trying to go around for couple of years now. In my moments of self- deprecating  behavior, I am now somehow able to recognize that I am doing something and lots of it. I often would just discredit myself  if anyone had a hand in helping me and would think I deserved no recognition. I say no to that now. I have took the initiative to engage in what services are out there. I chose to make myself vulnerable and to open up those wounds in order to heal them. I am the one comes home and looks up activities to better learn the things being taught. Me and no one else.  I am grateful for my own strength and my own ability to finally engage in recovery.

I am becoming more of who I really am and showing it to others. There have been many wonderful moments of people expressing their love for me and what they like about me. For example, in group we were naming strengths about what we like in other people, but one person who is quickly becoming someone I care about, looked straight at me and said, “I think Shayne is understanding and loving. ” Also, the rest enjoy my silliness and humor. Yesterday, when I got to group another girl had made me this origami affirmation book just for me and told me I deserved it and that I was very loved. I am not sure if all of this love I am getting is because I am approaching graduation, but I never really think about the impression I am making to others. The reminders are so very nice to receive that I am giving off good vibes.

I am extremely grateful for people who are not afraid to express their feelings for other people. I think we should do it more often and to the people who always made me feeling like an awkward person for being so giving and loving,  one side of myself wants to say screw you, but I know that all they need is more kindness shown to them. Whether they appreciate it or not, I treat people the way I would want to be treated. Be nice because mean people suck.

On the serious side of things, I can get so filled up that I don’t know what to do with it. The old me wants to think everyone is lying, but the more I get to know myself and accept myself, the more I see what they see. I have issues and lots of them. I have my moments of depression so bad that I just want to die, but even now as I am suffering from a mild bout of depression, I find hope and encouragement in that I can still be grateful right now. The thing I am practicing this week is not to look at my sadness as something to get rid of, but allow myself to feel it in the moment and cry if I need to. I will give myself time to feel the feelings and then I will go about my day. Sadness doesn’t go away forever.

Everyone gets sad, but it is what you do with it that matters and that is what I am focusing on.  Life gets overwhelming sometimes, but I know all of this is worth it. Even a part of me whispers that I am worth it. Before when I would say I am worth it, it was a if you say it enough you will believe it (lie) situation, but this time it is different. I can’t say I’m strong in this belief of I am worth, but truly, deep down I feel it there and thus it whispers air into the cracks of my heart sewing them shut. Healing is happening, slowly but surely it is happening. I am so grateful for everything that has been happening even the bad things, because they have taught me that no matter what odds,even if I put myself there, that I have the strength and heart to keep pushing through. Anyways, I will close with a couple of pictures. One was the sunrise from yesterday, and my little ball of fur enjoying the fresh air from the balcony door which she actually looks like she is silently judging me lol. It’s the little things in life I tell ya.  I mean look at that tree and it’s gorgeous branches.MUUUAH!!

 

❤

CSK