I am proud of myself today…

I have been trying really hard to put my life back together. I then realized that perhaps my life was never together in the first place. I have been trying to put all those pieces that were thrown around back together. Maybe those pieces are exactly where they need to be and that there is no use in trying to glue those damaged pieces back on. Instead, I am going to keep trying to create a whole damn new puzzle.

This was brought on by my treatment plan meeting I had at day treatment. The insurance is letting me renew my treatment and so I requested a meeting to go over things again. I hadn’t really paid too much attention the past few months I have been there. Recently, I had wondered why I was even going to treatment. This past week has been really amazing in the fact I am actively asking questions and asking the people to talk about topics that I would like to talk about or learn. I requested the topic on how to end friendships and she granted that request. Normally, I have this nagging feeling that I don’t deserve time for the things that I want help with. That is not the case anymore.

In group therapy, we have a timer that gets passed around and we have to talk for whatever amount of minutes are on there. Today we had 9 minutes. I discussed my plans to move to another city with my girlfriend. I also talked about my insecurities in I didn’t understand how someone could be crazy about me. Then everyone in the group started chiming in with what they thought was a good quality in me. I was not expecting all that. I never really knew the impression I was making on the group. Then the leader said see there are plenty of things for someone to be crazy in love with you about and you deserve it so go with it.

She then brought up how I over extend and give myself to people sometimes. I had tried to explain a situation I had with a friend that I cared about and to see if I was crazy for thinking the way I do about it. She just told me that I didn’t  need or deserve that kind of treatment in my life and told me to kick this person of the pedestal that I put them on. I knew that was true, I had put this person on a pedestal when in fact no one should ever be put on a pedestal. For some reason today imagining kicking this person off that pedestal was quite liberating. To be able to say to myself that I know that person is going through some things, but I don’t deserve that kind of treatment, is a step in the right direction.

Later, during the treatment plan, we have goals and objectives to work on. One of the objectives on my plan is reducing suicidal ideation and self harm. She asked me if I had a plan for suicide or self harm. I usually always have some kind of plan in the back of my mind, but for once I could actually say no. No, I do not have a plan to die and no I do not have any self harm plans. I actually stunned myself. I walked out of there with my head held high and my heart smiling with pride. I am starting to see things slightly different. Parts of me say that I have screwed up one too many times in recent months to be proud, but the other part of me is telling me to look at what I am learning even from my screw ups.

One thing is for certain and what I know to be true, is that I can come back from anything. I can pull myself out of the hole and I can keep going. I always give everyone the credit for keeping me alive, but no I keep me alive. I choose to stay. Right now, I choose to stay for me. I have a new set of rules and boundaries for my life. I will still be nice and I will still try to give love to people, but I am no longer going to take the amount of shit some people like to put on others. You are either in my life or out. I thought I needed someone and while we all need someone at times, I realized in the end all I really need is myself and in return that helps me to deal with other people.I am not a convenience store nor am I a punching bag to take your shit out on. I am moving on. Everyone talks about the light at the end of the tunnel. I must be close, because it is beautifully blinding.

I think I have a real shot at this. This is what happens when you get tired of being sick and tired. When you break and think you have no way back up. You either drown or you keep fighting. I was built for this. I will carry this shit on my back if I have to, but with every foot I take I will throw some of it off the cliff, because nothing is going to weigh me down anymore. Screw that. I am done and over it.

 

 

 

From no where to NOW where…

To remain in the moment is one of the hardest things I have a problem with,as do many others. I have always been told that the past makes you who you are, but the more I think about things I am thinking it does not. You do get programmed by events and people. That does not however make me who I am. I struggle with how am I suppose to make good out of all the bad that is in my past. How do I not get so overly obsessed with trying to make the future different that I lose sight of what I am really trying to do which is just be. Simply just be. I cannot just be if I am in the past nor can I just be if I am obsessing about the future.

Both of which I am guilty of pessimistically looking at. I try so hard to understand things that have happened and I want closure and I feel I need closure, but I am thinking that maybe I will never get that and I have to somehow come to terms with the fact some things I will never understand. My over-analyzing has caused damage to my present moment one too many times. I was trying to take care of everything and everyone and doing so without taking in account the toll it took on me as well while I was trying to help myself too.  Worry worry worry. That was what I thought about the future. Most of the time, my worry was about someone else or things I know for a fact I have no control over. Some people close to me have said to me they were surprised I held it together as well as I have and for as long as I have. Which is nice to hear considering just how far off the path I had gotten in the last few months. There are people who still believe in me and dang it I believe in me too.

I have been away for about 12 days. I have been attempting to try and stay in the moment. Minus the girlfriend and I have our little moments of thinking about things that shouldn’t be talked yet, but hey I suppose that is living in the moment too. Sure let’s look at wedding rings and tell each other our favorite stones and rings sizes. HA! It’s fun. When she is at work,  I have been reading or working on trying to feed myself and get on some kind of routine. Which speaking of routine, I have came to the conclusion, that while I like structure, it also confines me. I am not a fan of being confined. The other conclusion I came to is that while I don’t like being confined, I am still not sure what to do with freedom either. Interesting isn’t it?

So some days, I have just caught myself playing dress up with the girlfriend’s pretty dresses and well I must say I am kind of liking the girly me right now. I would like to kick all who told me I wasn’t pretty in the face a couple dozen times. That takes me back to the freedom part but also practicing radical self-acceptance. I like the thought of being able to just shed those layers of things that were not of myself but just ideas and beliefs given by another to me. I have talked about this all before of who am I? What are actually my thoughts, but now not only thoughts but beliefs. What do I actually know for myself to be true? The answer that I just recently came to know is, I don’t know crap. I am good at repeating information that I have been taught.

That leads me to the question of how do I get to know myself. Some people seem to think I know myself, and I know clinical information and wording. I know how to identify feelings and emotions sometimes. Some days I can’t even do that. It is like I need that little piece of paper with the different emotion faces on it. I want to know more of what I like to do and what I am capable of. I say I don’t know crap, but I do know a few things. I know how to survive, I know how to love and give, I know how to fight when my is back against a wall. The biggest fights I have ever had have been with myself. It is still going on. I know some things, but I know that things go much deeper than that.

The thing I want to know before my life is up, the number one thing I want to know,feel and embrace is peace. I feel that for me, that is a spiritual journey that leads to peace and that going from no where to Now where is the key. I have to be grateful for every breath that I breathe. Even the cold Minnesota freeze your uvula to the back of your throat breath.. I will try and be grateful. If my dreams become nightmares, I will be grateful my brain is trying to deal with things. If I lose friends or family, I will be grateful for the part they had in my life. My heart is still heavy with a few things, but if I can just take time everyday to notice what is already around me, try and learn something new, or just count the smiles that people give as you pass by and make a point to smile back.

I really feel I am on to something for myself. I wish to share it and I will. I am just happy I made it to today. I barely remember much from the last couple months which is very out of the ordinary for me, but I know that it lead me to now. So, I will focus on that. I do feel very guilty that I have caused unintended harm, but we all do it. I have to forgive myself some more. I am going to go enjoy the deceivingly bright sun that is out in the freezing weather. I hope you all have a blessed day, and I shall have more to come.  I will leave you with a song that you can interpret the meaning for yourself.

 

 

 

Meditation and reading

“But if on the contrary Man sees a new door opening above him, a new stage for his development; if each of us can believe that he is working so that the Universe may be raised, in him and through him, to a higher level- then a new spring of energy will well forth in the heart of Earth’s workers. The whole great human organism, overcoming a momentary hesitation, will draw its breath and press on with strength renewed.”

-Pierre Telhard De Chardin

---

---

Meditative thought of the day.

I will radiate my sacred self outward for the collective good  of all.

Today, I have roughly ten hours of alone time, to finally sit and reflect and gather understanding in what came to be the past week. I have a lot on my mind, and everything is very different now. I am very grateful to be able to have this time away. I get to spend time with my girlfriend and get to spend time in silence. Safely. In the weeks leading up to this, I had gotten to the point where I had so much rage and sadness dwelling in myself and I didn’t handle myself very well.

I decided to bring a few books with me to read. I brought along The Four Agreements by: Don Miguel Ruiz, I have read it once before and even then I thought it was great, but now that I read it again it has a different feel to it.  The four agreements are.

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

The first one, I always thought I was mindful enough to be impeccable with my words.; to not say anything that is not of love and truth, however, that has not been the case. I have been very angry with my words and careless with them. I pretty much destroyed one of the best friendships I was blessed enough to have, and I regret that terribly. I am a naturally sensitive person and words affect me deeply and I always thought I had myself under control in the sense that I do not take things out on others or let my personal inner turmoil of chatter slip out. I am also usually very forgiving if I see someone doing that as well and it comes out onto me, but it hurts anyways.

So how does one be impeccable with words? Perhaps, it is the old saying of think before you speak. Maybe it really is as simple as that. Trying to express ones feelings into words can be so hard. I love people who can tell me what they are feeling and do it honestly. I love them so much, because I wish I could adequately express myself without causing an atomic bomb of mistakes. That leads into the next agreement.

Don’t take anything personally. I find this one to be the hardest one. Basically, it is saying no matter what anyone says, it is a reflection of themselves and what they have going on in this journey called life. I can see how this is true, but sometimes we say things to each other that are so very hurtful. Words are so powerful. Words can ruin things. That is why I try and be patient with people. People have told me I am too nice, but you know what? What if I am the only one in that person’s life right now, that gives them slack and am patient with them? I say this out of personal experience when I have been at my worse, like this past week, and I had a couple of people who were so gentle with me despite my poor decision making. Sometimes, we do need to give tough love and sometimes we need to step back from someone, but I will never be a person who is going to turn my back on someone completely just because of words. I could be going through hell, but I know that there are bigger things out there than just myself and that is why I will help carry a mountain for you if you just hold on. Ask each other how things are going and really ask. Don’t assume. Communicate.

Speaking of assuming, the third one is Don’t make assumptions. How many times have you found yourself thinking about a situation,blowing it out of proportion, coming to conclusions without ever really talking to someone about it. All the freaking time! Maybe not all the time for me or you, but it happens. I am very fond of communication. If I have done something that has wronged you or made you feel uneasy, I want to know what I did so I can figure out for myself if it was indeed wrong and with ill intent and if it is I want to work on correcting it. Most of us never mean to be hurtful. That is probably why the second one of don’t take anything personally comes into play.

My roommate and I were talking one day and he was telling me how we are too advanced for all these emotions. That we evolved too far and should go back to primal thinking. Meaning thinking about the basics like eating,sleeping, and physical well being. We do live in a very stimulating society and the majority of the world is overly stressed. We were never meant to be this stressed. Life shouldn’t be this hard. Which is why I have come to the conclusion that we all need to stop looking to outside pleasures for happiness when it is all inside, and while most of the time I struggle to believe this myself, I know it is true. Thus, I am striving to find that. We are all searching for something in this world. Most everyone wants the same things happiness, love, peace, and contentment.

If we can find that within ourselves, it will be easier to communicate and to be supportive to one another. I am beginning in my journey. I have along way to go, and I can be a giant mess searching for those things when I lose focus of the fact that it is within myself. I might fall apart sometimes, but if you are in my life, we can walk this path together. You have your journey and I have mine, but never are we alone. I often am struck with feeling so alone, and in reality we are alone inside ourselves, but we also have to get over ourselves too. Funny how complicated it all sounds, but it really isn’t as hard as I think it is if I just focus.

Anyways, the last agreement is Always do your best. In day treatment, we had a discussion on how some people felt that always do your best can lead to trying to achieve perfection. I can see how that can come about considering I have perfectionist ways. All that agreement is saying though is, whatever you do for that day, if it is the best you can do, then that is enough. Perhaps, you really just cannot leave your bed. Is that all you can do? Is that really your best? If that is all the energy you can gather? then so be it. You did your best. I think it is trying to show you that you have more in you than you think, but it also reminds you to be gentle with yourself. I have mentioned how hard it is for me to be gentle with myself. If I make a mistake or don’t accomplish all the tasks I had wanted to, I will mentally rip myself apart. I will degrade myself to the point where I don’t even think I deserve to be breathing on this planet.

It is my hardest struggle to accept that I am good enough on any given day. I am doing my best. I am making progress. Yes, I screw up. I sometimes screw up in big ways. I physically cause harm to myself. Whether it had been self-harm, purging, starving myself, or more recently drugs. It is something I struggle with and a war I am determined to win, but it is getting myself to believe that my best whatever it is, is good enough. This is not easy to deal with. Trying to counteract the self-degrading and self-harming ways is not something I particularly look forward to facing everyday, but I do. I am struggle still after this past week. I sometimes close my eyes and still can hear my own screams from that night. I am tormented by my own screams, but I am not letting that stop me. Enough damage has been caused that I am sick of it.

Which leads me to the end of this post. I am spending this time away not only to be with my girlfriend but like I said before to put myself back together again. Do I expect things to change over night? Nope. I have done that too many times. I am not doing that again. Going to be doing a little soul searching and digging. Something in my head just now negatively said that I was searching for a dead soul, that this is not a rescue mission. Oh, how wrong that is. I am rescued.. I am on a mission of search and destroy and to evict these demons that plague my soul. They can rip me to pieces, but I will stab them with the very pieces that they broke me with. I am on a mission. Strap in my friends we are going on a little adventure.

Love ya!

CSK

 

 

Lesson learned the hard way….

The last 48 hours have been the most terrifying moments of my life. I hit my breaking point where my depression just took over the last few, I almost want to say couple months, but I didn’t realize it till about a week ago as to how bad I was really getting. I just wanted to numb everything, and in my desperation I turned to drugs. I took a combo of LSD and MDMA Tuesday night. I know now that I will never touch a single drug ever again. I went completely insane. I just screamed, cried and laughed like a maniac for almost 24 hours. I managed to somehow get myself to group to try and get help, but no one would help me. They just said I had to ride it out. I just wanted it to end. I had called a couple people who helped me through and I really am thankful that they got me through some of the most horrifying moments of that night. I still never felt so alone in my life and vulnerable. All I wanted was someone to hold me and tell me I wasn’t gone.

Today, I am trying to get packed to leave for a couple weeks. I just feel so broken and it feels like someone died. I feel like I died that night. All I can hear are my screams in my head. I remember screaming let me out let me out over and over. I was trapped. It was like the me I knew wanted so desperately to just come back, but I was murdering her. I am trying to find the positive in this situation. A part of me is proud at the level of strength it took to survive that. My PTSD was amplified to a level I had never experienced before. I am exhausted. My whole body hurts. It was also disgusting because I ended up barfing all over the place from the intensity.  The thing that hurts the most is my heart. Both emotionally and physically my chest hurts. How does one ever come back from that? I look at where I was and it really doesn’t seem as bad as I had thought. I am so grateful to be alive. I have a higher appreciation for life in general. Maybe that is what I am suppose to take from this. This is my chance to start all over and make something good.

I would never wish an experience like that even on the person I hate the most. I would have rather someone had taken me out back and shot me. Complete misery. No more drugs ever EVER.. I don’t even want to drink. While I am going to visit my gf for these next two weeks, I will have a lot of time while she works to just think about everything. I have a plan of meditation and some reading. I am going to pack up a little altar to take with me. I was struggling with my faith in something higher than myself before this, but now there is no way that there is not something higher. It is time to ground myself and connect. The time to change is NOW! I am going to work on my eating disorder as well along with many other things. Do I think I will fix everything in two weeks? No this is going to take some time. I know now that time is nothing. I am will go at my pace. I will chip away at everything one thing at a time. Okay, maybe two things at a time, because it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t do that.

I love you guys so so freaking much. I didn’t think I could love my friends any more so than I already did, but now the amount of love I feel is absolutely mind blowing. Okay, I have to go pack and clean this disaster I made. I will catch you guys again soon.

❤ CSK