I am left wondering what accomplishments were made. Currently, I am experiencing and existential crisis. I know that I am making steps in the right direction, but with several mishaps along the way. I often ponder the meaning of my existence. Is there really a meaning or not? Why must my soul long for this possible meaning. I am searching for a purpose and working towards finding it. I have at times thought I had found it only to be reminded that I had actually just found another path at which I must journey through. The many paths I have taken have been good and bad. I suppose that is life really. Take the good with the bad as everyone says.
How do I do that?
I see a lot of good in the world and I strive to be more positive. However, the days get long when the bad seems to cloud everything. Depression hits me so hard. In my head I know that there is plenty for me to be grateful for, and when I am sad I try to see that. Then there are the mornings where I struggle to even want to open my eyes and my heart is so heavy that I can’t bare the thought of living. It is in those times I learn a lot about myself. I learn if I have actually learned a thing at day treatment and therapy. It is my chance to listen to all of the advice I have been given, but yet sometimes I crumble beneath myself. I lay in the fetal position and cry, because the feeling of hopelessness is so strong.
I get angry on those days. I want to numb those days. I actively search for means to escape that isn’t death. Thus, I have discovered that my addiction isn’t to substances. My addiction is escaping and avoiding. I will do anything to not feel the pain, but yet somehow end up feeling ten times worse than if I had just faced it and felt it right then when it was happening. Why do these emotions scare me. Why does crying feel so negative. I know I am not alone so why does it bother me so much to feel things? I know in order to feel better I am going to have to process everything sooner or later. I do have to acknowledge what I have done this far. It has been a lot of work, but I get so tired.
Right now, I am not really depressed. I am sad. I have sad things going on. I am contemplating my meaning and what matters to me. I still have yet to figure out what matters to me. My values are not set. I have been shook to the core so much that nothing that I use to know fits anymore. I am a stranger even to myself at times. Who is this person that dwells in me? Who the fuck am I? All I can do is to keep trying and keep searching. If that means having to do treatment all over again and therapy twice a week and EMDR therapy and other meetings then so be it. That is all I was advised to do today. I can admit that I don’t know what is best for me. My brain is to scattered most of the time and so I will wave my white flag and say I have no idea what I am doing and I will let the professionals guide me.
I think the biggest thing is I am having a spiritual problem and I need a solution. Therapy will only be a tool. I have to go deeper. I have to breakthrough. I know there is something out there. I just need to find my faith again. It is weak. I want so badly to believe in it and to have that comfort again. All I can do is pray and hope someone is listening. I’m tired, but I am not done yet. One moment at a time is all I can do right now and that is enough. I hope peace can find me or that I can find it. My soul needs a rest.
❤
CSK
The Bursting Wallflower 