As I sat here with the chilly morning breeze coming through the window, I started to contemplate my goals and what I would like to accomplish in this new stage in my life. Most days, I am excited to wake up even if there isn’t anything for me to do. Then there are days like today where I am excited, but yet terrified as to how I am going to start over again. I know what my intentions were when I chose to move here, but now that I am here, I have to face all those little demons that I was able to ignore for the past few years by isolating myself. I no longer can do that.
My main focus is my health. Everyone in the house is vegan and that is what I had been wanting to do for quite some time now. That part isn’t nearly as hard as I had imagined. Though I now know what my weak spots are which is pop and sweets. Which are/can be vegan, but they are not healthy at all. So I drink my water in a cute mason jar that is slightly too big for one hand to hold. I sometimes, feel like a little kid learning and doing these new things. I haven’t talked too much to the new roommates, I am observing them for now. I am the oldest one in the house, but I actually feel like the youngest ,because I am in such a vulnerable state of mind. Which is fine. It makes you see that you don’t always have to know everything and you can learn from anyone. I already knew that, but it is different when you are in the moment of it.
I am starting to emerge from the dusty cocoon I had been wrapped in. I know who I naturally am, but I had been so withdrawn that I lost a little bit of me. The social butterfly me was taken hostage. I use to be able to verbally communicate so much better. For some reason, that ability was toned down to pretty much nothing. It makes this move even more scary and sometimes frustrating when you want so badly to have good conversations and to relate, but can’t seem to get passed the wall you have put up. When in your mind, you know you are so much more smarter than you display and have so much fun inside, but can’t let loose. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why can’t I lighten up?
I walk down to this bench area. It is like nature thrown in the middle of a busy street. I go there to think. I watch all the people running,biking, and walking their dogs. I have to admit that despite living with 3 other people, I am a little lonely. The past few times I have went, there are these squirrels that come really close to me. I chit chat with the squirrels. Anyways, I was chatting with a friend on facebook, and she mentioned seeing a woodpecker outside her work window. I decided maybe I should look up the meaning of having animal visitors which I normally do, but sometimes forget. The squirrel was pretty much spot on for me. I will post the meaning.
Squirrel:
It is often a message for us to have more fun. Most likely we’ve been so busy taking life so seriously that we have forgotten that play is important too. On another note squirrel can also be signaling that we have to take a look at practical matters such as retirement, insurance, or even simple repairs. Are we adequately prepared?
A visit from Squirrel could also indicate that you need lighten your load of things that are unnecessary. Things that you have gathered in the past and may be cluttering your life such as thoughts, worries, and stresses.
Even the squirrels are telling me to lighten up and to have fun. How does one have fun. What is fun? How do I know if I am in fact having fun? I wonder if anyone else ever asks those questions. I realize that the majority of the time I run around emotionless and shut myself off. I go back to the last sentence of the squirrel description. I have thoughts,worries and stresses that have cluttered my life soo much. My mind is like the house of a hoarder. There is barely any room in there for me to breathe. Every time I open a door a box falls over with [insert negative thought] written on it. I find a lot of my boxes are not even my own. They are not even my thoughts. They are what was told to me and I just keep reliving them over and over. I am starting to see a little clearing up ahead. A path that I can walk through without the risk of being buried by myself. Those boxes that are not mine I can kick out. They are in MY house, and it is time for me to serve them their eviction notice.
I wonder what will happen when I finally get to walk the cleared path. Perhaps, I might have some fun? Perhaps, I will smile without it being a lie. Perhaps, I can laugh uncontrollably without fear. Perhaps, the most important thing that could happen is I can finally Live.
❤
CSK
The Bursting Wallflower 